Dating without swiping: the options that remain

Dating without swiping: what it is really about

Dating without an app is not about a new platform. It is about a different order of events. You see someone before you have made a judgement, you hear a voice before you read a profile text, and you know within a minute whether a conversation runs or not. That sounds obvious, but it is the exact opposite of what a dating app does: there you judge first and meet afterwards, if it gets that far.

Most people who go to these evenings do not hate apps. They are simply done with them. What they want is a situation where they do not have to prove they are interesting first, but can sit down and see what happens.

What the numbers do and do not say

Thirty-six percent of households is a single-person household

According to Statistics Netherlands the country has roughly 7.3 million households, 36 percent of which consist of one person. That figure says nothing about dating: a single household can be someone who lives alone by choice, someone recently out of a relationship, or someone whose partner lives at another address. What it does show is scale. Living alone has become normal in the Netherlands, and an evening for singles is therefore no longer a niche audience.

The big apps are losing ground

The best known dating apps have been reporting falling numbers of active users for several years, while smaller concepts that organise an actual meeting are growing. That is not proof that apps are disappearing, and it is not a judgement about the people who use them. It does show that part of the market prefers an evening in a room to an evening in a chat window.

The four routes that remain

If you want to date without an app, the Netherlands has four routes that actually work. They differ mainly in pace and in how much time you get per person.

1. Speed dating. Several short conversations in one evening, usually in rounds of five to seven minutes. The advantage is pace: in two hours you speak to more people than in six months on a dance floor. The downside is that you are tired afterwards and that the best conversations tend to be cut off by the bell.

2. A singles drink or dinner. A fixed group of twenty to fifty people, usually with a host and a seating plan. You get more time per conversation than at speed dating, and you meet people again in a second round.

3. A club or a hobby. Choir, sports club, pub quiz, walking group or a course. This works slowly, but repetition is the advantage: you see the same people more often and do not have to start every conversation from zero.

4. A party in a club or at a venue. Low barrier and no sign-up, but without a reason to talk it often stays at dancing and looking. It works best when there is something happening, such as live music or a performance.

What works at which age

Up to your early thirties the club route still works reasonably well, because the audience is large and nobody wonders why you are there. After that it shifts to places with a reason, such as a dinner or a hosted drink. Above forty this is even stronger: a fixed evening with a clear structure works better than a dark room, simply because you need to be able to hear each other.

How to get through an evening like that

Arrive on time. In the first round everyone is still looking around and therefore approachable. An hour later the groups have formed and joining in becomes harder, even though nobody is unfriendly.

Come on your own if you dare to stand alone for a moment. Not because you will not speak to anyone, but because a group of friends usually stays together and the conversations then remain inside that group.

Ask questions that are not about work. Where someone lives, what they like to do on a free Sunday and what was on the table at the last dinner that made them happy: those are conversations that go somewhere.

And agree with yourself that you will stay for at least two rounds. Leaving after the first stiff conversation sends you home feeling it did not work, while the evening had only just started.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between speed dating and a singles dinner?

At speed dating you change tables in short conversations, at a dinner you sit at one table for longer and usually rotate halfway. Speed dating produces more contacts, a dinner produces more depth per conversation.

How many people attend an evening like this?

A drinks evening usually has twenty to fifty people, a dinner edition often thirty to eighty. At speed dating the number depends on how many rounds the organiser plans.

Do you have to come alone?

No, but agree that you will split up. The evenings that work are the ones where people actually talk to strangers instead of staying with their own company all night.

What should you wear?

Something you recognise yourself in and in which you can sit and stand for a whole evening. There is no dress code that makes an evening succeed, and overdoing it often works against you.

And if you do not speak to anyone?

Then you had an evening with music, a good conversation with the host and a room full of people in the same situation. That is not a failure, it is usually the reason the next time is easier.

Read more

Singles in Utrecht, singles in Rotterdam and what a singles event actually is. All on adamevening.com.

Singles events by Adam & Eve

Adam & Eve organises singles events in Amsterdam, Rotterdam and The Hague, from a drink to a dinner and from a beach edition to a gallery evening. Upcoming editions and dates are in the agenda.

Adam & Eve singles events

Adam & Eve singles events

Adam & Eve runs singles events in Amsterdam, where we host editions most often, and elsewhere in the Netherlands: from a drink to a dinner and from a beach edition to a gallery night. Upcoming editions are in the calendar.

Singles only dinner & party

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Every edition follows the same shape. A welcome drink, a dinner where you switch tables between courses, then the party. In Amsterdam, The Hague and Utrecht, all year round.

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